Sorry is the loneliest word

I had an interesting weekend that offered me some new insights into human nature and how we interact with each other.

During the course of a 3-day trip, my flying partners and I experienced the entire spectrum of emotions, from joy and jocularity, to anger, disgust and sadly, distrust. It has taken me a couple of days to absorb it, collate it in my thoughts and put it out there for the universe to digest.

If there is one thing that I can say with absolute surety, it is that human nature makes us ALL imperfect. Some people strive to overcome the easy way in order to do the right thing; others simply let life play out as it will, more of a spectator than a participant. But like a spectator, they scream and shout from the sidelines when they disagree with the referee, or if the participant makes a mistake.

It's been kinda of funny because during the weekend, I had also witnessed this very "life drama" playing out on TV, in the papers and even at home. What has got me all befuddled is how to cope with it when it affects me personally. I mean, when do we REALLY turn the other cheek, look the other way or ignore the mistake and search for the silver lining?

When I was a younger person, I thought I was more of a "glass is half-full" kind of guy. Life's experiences, however, seemed to pull me under the half-way mark and without warning, I found myself seeing the bad in everything, uncovering the alterior motives of others and becoming, sadly, a cynic and a skeptic. I questioned people's intentions and cross-examined the evidence to conclude that no matter the surface, underneath it all, people were only concerned with one thing: their own agenda.

On two occassions over the weekend, I found myself admitting to mistakes I had made, and then trying to find solice in reparation, asking for understanding and forgiveness of the individuals that I slighted because of my mistakes.

"Eating crow" has never been a delightful experience for me, and I have always tried to think through my penence and make it heartfelt and sincere. I am not a good enough actor to fake my way through it so it is always better for me if I really make sure that I am certain of my apologies. As a pragmatist, however, I suppose that I expect others to accept the sincerity and genuiness of the redress, without the need for further discussion or continued wallowing.

I have witnessed, with some dissapointment, that this is not how we as a society have evolved in our need for restitution. Our interests are in the need to feel superior over the accused and the guilty. We are quick to look down upon the trespasser and say "You hurt me," but when that party seeks absolution, we turn it around and say "I will forgive you AFTER you've paid for your sin!"

And it's no longer "an eye for and eye;" it is "your life for an eye!" That may seem extreme, but considering the huge disparity between the crime and the punishment in small personal matters, it shows a sad conclusion that things have gone too far.

Now before you get the wrong idea, nothing that I "did" to the others this weekend would be grounds for indictment, arrest or other legal remedy. Everyday dealings with friends, family and co-workers rarely culminate to that level. But the way that those who I "wronged" reacted to my attempts to make amends, one would have thought that perhaps it should have escalated to that level. I found that my apology was not only inadequate, but that perhaps the solution to this quandry would be unattainable, at best.

On only two occassions in my life that I can recall, have I not given my sincere forgiveness to someone who asked for it -- and on both occassions, it was because their asking for it came with "strings attached," like that they expected me to apologize also or that some other expectation was required.

These days, I have learned to let it roll off my back (apology or not). These blogs have also been somewhat therapeutic. I don't have any ill-conceived ideas that my blogs will change the world, but perhaps the collective wisdom of my readers might bring me some insight that I have yet to realize. I haven't covered every aspect of these thoughts, but it's a start...

On a completely different tangent, could somebody put an A.P.B. on the REAL judges on AmIdol? I mean, come on folks! The ONLY two performances tonight that were remotely acceptable for this level of the competition were Blake and Chris'! And those were barely passable -- the rest? Thank goodness for TiVo and the Fast Forward button!